Query Workshop R-6: TRINITY

Halfway through the workshop! You guys know the drill: Read ’em, crit ’em, love ’em. And don’t forget to check out the queries on the blogs of Brenda, Marieke and Sarah!

On with the show!

Full Query:

Dear Awesome Agent X,

Twenty-four-year-old Trinity Terencia’s days of riding horses and scoping local bands come to an end the minute her best friend, Roxy, reveals that Trinity is the Creator’s only direct descendant. Her memories were trapped when humans tried to murder her five millenia ago. Trinity must determine if humanity is worthy of continuing to exist, and if Roxy’s belief in their damnation is valid. As she tries to process the information being thrown at her, Trinity’s abducted and taken to a parallel reality. Trinity is forced to see the truth of what she is being told, in turn causing her to question Roxy’s true intentions.

After narrowly escaping death, Trinity-with the help of Sean, an Aire Elemental born of this world-begins a dangerous walk back to the place she entered the parched and alien version of our reality. Unintentionally crossing the border into the lands of the reclusive werewolf king, they are dragged into a bloody feud.

Trinity must discover who her allies really are and make friends with beasts that would just as soon eat her as help her. As if making her mind unlock its mysteries isn’t hard enough, she has to do it wearing leather pants and fighting for a cause she’s uncertain about.

TRINITY is a 77,000 word science fiction-fantasy novel. I am a member of SCBWI. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing back from you.

Once More with Comments:

Dear Awesome Agent X,

Twenty-four-year-old Trinity Terencia’s days of riding horses and scoping local bands (I like having these interests, particularly the phrase “scoping local bands,” right upfront.) come to an end the minute her best friend, Roxy, reveals that Trinity is the Creator’s (So, we’re talking God here, right? Not necessarily Christian!God, but creator of the universe in some capacity? It seems like she starts on Earth, so I’m taking a guess, but definitely make sure this is clear.) only direct descendant. Her memories were trapped when humans tried to murder her five millenia ago. (So has she been living for those millenia just not aging? Or is she reincarnated?) Trinity must determine if humanity is worthy of continuing to exist, (Why? Why her and why now?) and if Roxy’s belief in their damnation is valid. As she tries to process the information being thrown at her, Trinity’s abducted and taken to a parallel reality. Trinity is forced to see the truth of what she is being told, (How? By whom?) in turn causing her to question Roxy’s true intentions.

After narrowly escaping death, Trinity – with the help of Sean, an Aire Elemental born of this world – begins a dangerous walk back to the place she entered the parched and alien version of our reality. (The wording gets a bit confusing after “place.”) Unintentionally crossing the border into the lands of the reclusive werewolf king, they are dragged into a bloody feud. (There is a lot going on in these two sentences: death, air elementals, multiple realities, werewolf kings with feuds… Need to trim this down.)

Trinity must discover who her allies really are and make friends with beasts that would just as soon eat her as help her. (Help her do what?) As if making her mind unlock its mysteries isn’t hard enough, she has to do it wearing leather pants and fighting for a cause she’s uncertain about. (What cause? Humanity’s cause? Also, the bit about leather pants in this last sentence has a hint of sassy voice. Does Trinity have a sassy voice? If so, definitely bring that out in the query. If not, try to bring Trinity’s voice into the query anyway. She’s our prime guide to this world it sounds like, and we want to have a hint of who we’re going to be dealing with.)

TRINITY is a 77,000 word science fiction-fantasy novel. I am a member of SCBWI. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing back from you.

Overall: There’s awesome stuff going on in this book, but the query at the moment is a little too crowded and scattered. There’s so much going on that all it’s doing is raising a lot of questions. Pare it all the way back to Trinity. Who is she? What’s her main goal? What’s her main obstacle to that goal? Try and formulate is a one-sentence pitch: When [ X ] happens, Trinity must [ Y ] or [ Z ] will happen.

Okay, people, take it to the comments! Do you agree with me? Disagree? Want to punch me in the face? Now’s your chance!

Remember: Every critique you do gets you an entry into a first chapter critique from Brenda!

11 thoughts on “Query Workshop R-6: TRINITY

  1. I actually said out loud while reading “There is a lot going on here” by the time it gets to the werewolf king, I’d lost the thread entirely. I agree with Becca about focussing in on Trinity.

  2. Thanks for the excellent and detailed feedback! I can see there is still a lot of fine tuning that needs to be done before I can call this bad boy ready! Thank you so much for taking the time to look over my query!!

  3. I read this without the comments and was completely lost. It may just be because I just woke up, but anyways, when I re-read it with Becca’s comments it was a little more clear; maybe because I wasn’t the one thinking all the same questions.
    Writing a query is a pain in the beeeeehind! You have so much to say and think your making sense because you have been so involved in the world you have created for so long.
    Therefore, take a step back and tone down some of the vocab. Take Becca’s suggestions and just do a rewrite. I think that would help.
    I think you have an awesome world you developed here, I just need it to be more simple.
    Just my suggestions, good luck!

  4. Oh, interesting idea here but I have to agree with Becks. It’s getting buried here, and the only hint of Trinity’s voice is the reference to leather pants. I really want to like this girl and sympathize with her, but it reads like a series of plot points. Besides parsing it down and focusing on the important bits, I’d like to know why:

    -Why does Trinity believe Roxy? (If someone came up to me and told me this information, I’d think them higher than a kite, but this reads like she just says “okay, what now?” Her reaction to this information could reveal some amazing characterization.)

    -Why does Trinity have to decide about humanity? What are the stakes and how does she play into them? Same with Roxy.

    -Why is she uncertain about the cause? If she is uncertain, why is she fighting?

    Good luck!

  5. The premise seems promising, and I really like the MC.

    However, this is way too scatter-brained and confusing. I think if you started out with the basic questions needed to answer in a query, it would help. Who is the MC? What is her dilemma? How is she going to solve it? And then move from there.

  6. Thank you all for taking the time to review my query and leave feedback! I will take all of these fabulous suggestions and get this query in the shape that it deserves! have a fantastic weekend!

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