On Awkward Days and Itchy, Fucking Life-Sweaters

I’m telling you right now that I don’t know how this blog will turn out.

The truth is, I don’t usually blog on days like this. The sad days. The quiet days. The days where it doesn’t matter what you do, you just feel awkward. And not adorable-puppy-awkward, not awkward like Zooey Deschanel is supposed to be “awkward,” but more along the lines of “lumbering troll” or “humpback social outcast.” The world is an ill-fitting, too-tight sweater that you can’t take off – you just have to wear it all damn day. A fucking, itchy life-sweater that’s probably giving you a rash, too.

Usually I skip the blog on days like this. I prefer to come at ya’ll with sarcasm and pop culture, with nerd rants and raves, occasionally with an upbeat “hey, here’s what I learned from this” after an emotional rough patch.

But there isn’t always something to learn.

Sometimes things just suck. You feel gross and unattractive and untalented. You feel lonely or unloved. You feel like every word out of your mouth is a massive fuck-up. You doubt the dreams and decisions that yesterday had seemed so polished and bright, and you just want to chuck them down the garbage disposal because looking at them now, in this dingy light, is painful. Dreaming is no longer for you, down in the muck. Dreaming is for everyone else, all those shiny toy people hanging out somewhere in the sun, laughing.

Have I depressed you yet?

No? Here, have a sad puppy.

I’m having one of those days, and I wasn’t going to blog about it, but if I’m committing myself to slammin’ it down, honesty-style, on this blog, then not talking about the down moments would be disingenuous.

What really convinced me, though, is the realization that, on days like these, I feel very isolated. I feel like I’m the only one who has days like this, who trips into these ravines, and that is decidedly not true. And it helps a little to know that, to hear others say, “Dude, I’ve been there.”

So, to any readers who felt a spark of recognition in the word-vomit above, consider this my gigantic: “Dude, I’ve been there.”

And I’ve got two broad, German shoulders for all ya’ll next time a day like this hits you.

14 thoughts on “On Awkward Days and Itchy, Fucking Life-Sweaters

  1. SAME HERE. I’ve had a lot of those days recently. *hugs* I’m right there with you, wearing a matching sweater. Only mine’s also a turtleneck, so it feels like someone with really weak hands is choking me. 😦

  2. *hugs* Oh I know those days SO well.
    And the days where it feels like you have a million and ten things that ALL need done, and you just don’t have the energy to even do 2 of them, and just want to hide under the blanket until it all goes away.
    Love the analogy. *hugs you lots*

  3. I’m right there with you. Got some bad news yesterday that is weighing me down, and it’s turned me into a mountain troll wearing a two-inch thick wool Christmas sweater in the middle of July, festooned with a smug-looking reindeer and red and green bric-a-brac. Glad to know I’m not alone! Thanks for the great post. πŸ™‚ And I hope you shed your sweater soon.

  4. Yes, yes, a million times yes! I have been there a LOT. Yesterday was one of those days all day, and every day has at least a few moments of that. And, yes, I feel like the only one who’s awkward, and doesn’t fit quite right, and never knows quite how to behave. If I’m shy, then I worry I’m acting standoffish. If I jump in eagerly, I worry that I come across as crazy and clingy and stalkerish. Eighth grade ended long ago, but I think it will last forever in my head. Thank you for writing this, so those of us who are awkward don’t feel quite so alone and weird.

    Hugs to you. May tomorrow be better.

    1. We talked about this on Twitter, but I am so, so there with you on always second-guessing how I’m acting and how others are responding to me. You are definitely not alone!

  5. i hate itchy sweaters. wool ones are the worst. and if we aren’t related in some far off cosmic, kindred spirit way, i’d be surprised. although on more than one occasion i’ve accused my dad of stealing me from someone’s back yard as well. that was usually when i was mad and wanted “my real parents” to come get me. anyway, i feel ya’ and thanks for the broad shoulders, or should i say, danke schon?

  6. Honesty is a good thing, so thanks for sharing. To quote my friend LG, I smell what you’re steppin’ in. In fact, I’m not far off having one of those days myself. They suck, and it’d be great to wrap them all up in lessons learned and hopeful anecdotes with a big-ass bow, but I think these days are sent to make the ones that follow seem all that much better. Just a guess. Hope you’re having a better one!! {{HUG}}

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